Non-Gaming Stories

 

After years of having this in our house, we are finally getting rid of this thing... Got a friend you secretly hate? That friend got kids? Little ones? Like toddler-aged or younger? Then have I got a deal for you! The Fisher-Price Corn Popper! Babies love it! It drives adults to the brink of sanity and leaves them staring into the abyss beyond. Features include: • "A delightful popping sound" • Endless Entertainment for Children • Operates without Batteries, Mercy, or Remorse! Watch as your friend's toddler gleefully laps the living room for the 437th consecutive time while the unmistakable POP-POP-POP-POP-POP echoes through every room of the house.

Today, I learned that James Hong played a David Lo Pan in addition to the one from "Big Trouble in Little China". This second Lo Pan appeared in an episode of the short-lived science fiction television series "The Chronicle". He played Another Lo Pan, this one with the first name of Ben in the TV show "Chuck". This made me curious. How many Lo Pans has James Hong played? A fairly exhaustive internet search culminated in a IMDB list of all of James Hong's characters. This gave me the the question that had been bothering me for most of the morning. How many Lo Pans has James Hong played? Three. David Lo Pan in "Big Trouble in Little China". David Lo Pan in "The Chronicle". Ben Lo Pan in "Chuck" That's it. That's all. It was really rather anticlimactic. But, what if... All Three Lo Pans were related? David Lo Pan #2 and Ben Lo Pan could have been descended from David Lo Pan #1 directly or they could be multi...

Does the existence of the Xenomorph Facehugger imply the existence of a Xenomorph Butthugger?

  5 y/o son: "Knock knock." Me: "Who's there?" 5 y/o son : "Larry." Me: "Larry, who?" 5 y/o son : "Larry who goes to the potato store and buys a potato!" (Mad cackling) - - - - 5 y/o son : "Knock knock." Me: "Who's there?" 5 y/o son : "Chicken." Me: "Chicken, who?" 5 y/o son : "Chicken who goes to the potato store and buys a potato!" (More cackling)

Kids requested omelets for dinner. Ham and cheese for 4-year old son. Ham, cheese, and Bell Peppers for 2-year old daughter. Onion, bell pepper, ham, cheese, spinach, and some leftover rice for me. I added Scorpion Tabasco to mine. 2-year old looked at me and says "I like hot sauce". I told her that I didn't think she did. But she insisted. So I said "ok". ... ... And dribbled some regular Tabasco onto a couple of her egg bits. ... ... She made a face, stuck her tongue out, and proceeded to devour the saucy egg bits before loudly proclaiming "I like hot sauce!" once again. 

Move over Five Nights at Freddy's! Step aside Camp Crystal Lake! Pack your bags, Jigsaw! Dolly Parton has hidden 10 Butterfly Tickets in the Tennessee Playcation Kid's Guide. I get that this intentionally is a callback to Willy Wonka's five Golden Tickets. But, much like the Candy Man, the outfit she wears to advertise this special promotion is one of the hands down creepiest things I have ever seen. Maybe I'm just envisioning the terrifying Oompa Loompa Tunnel Ride, Augustus Gloop getting sucked into a pipe on the chocolate river, Violet Beauregarde turning in a giant blueberry after chewing some gum (YOU'RE TURNING VIOLET, VIOLET!), Veruca falling down a trash chute, and Mike shrinking down to the size of a candy bar. And this all happened in a single chocolate factory! Imagine the horrors a state the size of Tennessee could unleash on the unsuspecting winners!  Willy Wonka (left) Dolly Parton (right)

"There is no toast in gulag, only soggy bread, Comrade." - Vladimir Gluten, 2015

My youngest son wanted an Indominus Rex for his birthday. We got him a King Kong instead. The shovels that are included in his Dino-bone brownies fit his hands perfectly. Baby sister insisted that Rexy get a shovel too, despite having only one hand. Kong- Dual-wielding Ape Archeologist and his one-armed assistant, Rexy!

Two Mondays ago, my son started his Driver's Education classes. It's all online with Zoom meetings for 3 hours each day Monday through Friday. The topics covered seem to be fairly standard, what you would expect for classroom activities related to the topic but, apparently, there was a special focus on the "Modern Roundabout". For those of you who may be wondering, A "modern roundabout" is a type of looping junction in which road traffic travels in one direction around a central island and priority is given to the circulating flow. Signs usually direct traffic entering the circle to slow and to give way to traffic already on it. In theory, this type of intersection allows for greater safety than a regular intersection and less traffic back-up than those controlled by stoplights. I am told that the instructor went on and on about this marvel of engineering. And said we have one in town. Let me assure you, we do not. The closest Modern Roundabout is 19 mile...

GRILLED CHEESE DIPPIN’ STRIPS! For years now, ever since my kids were little, I have given them a list of options on how I would cut their sandwiches.  SQUARES, TRIANGLES, AND STRIPES One night at work, when I was spending more time screwing around than actually doing my job (because that way leads to madness), I came up with an idea for a product: GRILLED CHEESE DIPPIN’ STRIPS (trust me, it sounds wa-a-a-a-y cooler when you say it like the “LET’S GET READY TO RUM-M-M-M-M-MBLE!” guy).  I was bouncing around in the kitchen, all excited about my product idea, calling out “GRILLED CHEESE DIPPIN’ STRIPS” and going on and on about how good they would be and that there are people out there who would buy them. The idea is pretty simple: make a grilled cheese sandwich, cut it into stripes and package each strip individually (like string cheese), box up the sandwiches with some sort of sauce to dip them in and sell them in the refrigerated food section of the supermarket, right between...

Had an idea awhile back about a burger place with names inspired by the internet.  The Chonky - Foot-long hot dog with ketchup, Mustard, diced onions, and relish, also available with cheese. The Big Chungus - a 1/2 pound cheeseburger with ketchup, mustard, lettuce, tomato, pickle, and onion. Comes with choice of Cheddar or Pepperjack cheese. Also available as the Double Chungus. Chips - pretty much original Lay's or a generic equivalent  Grilled Cheese Dippin' Strips

Got pizza with my wife and sons yesterday. The youngest boy is really into sharks...Baby Shark, Mommy Shark, Daddy Shark, SharkDog, Shark Truck, Clark the Shark, sharks that look real, just sharks... and dinosaurs. So, there we are eating pizza and he has his slice and he's trying to feed it to one of his Shark's and saying (in toddler-speak) Pizza Shark. I have decided that somewhere in the multiverse, Pizza Shark is a chain of stores with a chef hat-wearing cartoon shark, probably with a pencil thin mustache as their mascot. (image based on a picture from Clark the Shark and the Big Book Report)  

I have made no secret of the fact that I truly enjoy Phineas and Ferb. I have written several   entries   based either on   characters , the   Tri-State Area   itself, or   scenarios   I think would have been entertaining had they appeared in the show. Today, it hit me...

You know how sometimes you are looking at one thing but you see something else? It used to happen to me all of the time. Or, at least often enough that I started making pictures to show everyone what I saw. Here are some of those things...

Baby Fight Club Doctor comes in with med student to examine our newborn... Doc (to student), "You will see that there is some bruising around the top of his head." Me (silently to myself), "Baby Fight Club will do that to you..." Post-Partum Pizza Thoughts Me last night - looking to warm up some leftover pizza at the hospital... "It would be nice if they had microwaves in the room...." Also me last night - "They can't do that because they are afraid some postpartum mothers might try to microwave their babies..." Also Also me last night - "𝘑𝘦𝘴𝘶𝘴 𝘊𝘩𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘵! How did I come up with 𝙏𝙃𝘼𝙏? 𝙒𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙞𝙨 𝙒𝙧𝙤𝙣𝙜 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙢𝙚?" Naming Guidelines So the hospital gave us a sheet of "rules" to use while naming The Child. 1. Numbers are fine as long as they are spelled out...i.e., we could name the baby 'Twelve' but not '12' and not Tr1stan. 2. No symbols or emojis so ...

Given how stressed out over the myriad problems the world is facing right now, I thought that I would share a little reminder that no matter how bad you have it, no matter how hopeless you think your situation is, that even though you think you have exhausted all hope and just can't go on, that you should be thankful for what you have and where you are because Things Could ALWAYS Be Worse.

Many people do not realize the importance of Ground Hog’s Day, they think only of a silly movie when they hear the name spoken aloud.  This is a shame for the holiday has special significance.  It marks the end of the Virgin Mary’s 40-day purification after the birth of Christ.  It is also the mid-point between the beginning of winter and the beginning of spring, when the weather begins to improve and life returns to the Earth. Notably, there are other animals are used (although not on the same day) to "predict" the end of winter - most notably, bears and badgers. I can see it now - two guys standing outside of a bear's cave with the news crew there to catch everything and one guy hands the other guys a stick and says "Ok, Jimbo, now you go into this here cave with the stick and look for that bear.  When you find him, wake him up by whacking him with the stick and getting him to follow you out here so we can see if spring is coming."

I am hard on my shoelaces. It seems that I tie them way too tight - so much so that the laces for the work boots I got in August are extremely worn and frayed. I have therefore decided to upgrade to Kevlar-Reinforced Laces . These things are Twice as thick as the standard issue wimpy laces the boots came with. They're beefy enough that getting them threaded through the grommets was a bit of a challenge at first but once started, the process went pretty easily. Only time will tell if these improved ties live up to their hype on Amazon.

Concept Art for a mobile barbershop ...originally considered the name "Fresh Fades". Mostly just fiddling around with the idea. Not as swanky as some that are out there but I like the idea... Now if only I had a barber's license and a van that was ready to be converted....